My marriage was a pretty toxic relationship – don’t take marriage advice from me girls, it was fucked up, haha! I only know this now though from looking back with a clearer mind, and I can only say this now because I left knowing it was the right thing for us both.
I’d say about 5 months before I left I started thinking about it… if I do decide to leave what would both our parents say? What if he does change, have I just given up real easy? What about the relationships I have built with his family? Will I have to leave a job I love? Where would I live if I left? Will he be ok alone? Will I upset my family? Will I be tarnished and therefore unable to love/marry again?
So I guess I thought from this point to give it my all. If I am having these thoughts, then it’s not right to just live miserably and expect it to just get better. I decided that I would do everything possible and if he still doesn’t change and if things cannot improve then I know that leaving is the only decent answer for both of us and that I can leave knowing I tried everything in my power to not break this.
So, all the changes I mentioned previously I did with all my heart…accepted all of his bullshit… but things just got worse so I looked for other options, I went for counselling. He told me I had anger issues and that it was me causing the problems, so I went. I didn’t want to be the reason that the relationship was falling apart and if he’s feeling this way, well then I need to fix it. Each week I would go to see a counsellor who actually made me realise that what I expected out of a marriage wasn’t that bad, and that these ‘anger issues’ were not really issues, I was just reacting to how terribly I was being treated.
He stopped me from continuing the counselling when he saw my attitude change, thinking the counsellor was the reason I had balls to talk back to him when he was shitty towards me. I asked him to join me at the counselling sessions if he thinks that I am being brainwashed, maybe he can meet them and try and work with me, to which he argued and then finally agreed to come.
My gosh – was I excited?! Finally we are working together, this might just be the turning point I was hoping for, actually he does care about this marriage and I was so wrong for thinking that I should leave … but did he turn up to the session? NEH!
Why was it that I was putting in this effort to make our marriage work whilst he sat at home on his ass doing fuck all? I started to resent him and it was just getting even more toxic between us. When I realised that a lot of the problems we had stemmed from his own issues I decided to speak to his family.
Now, in the Indian culture once a girl is married she ‘belongs’ to her in laws… they are her first call for everything and I guess if there are issues she should go to them first. So being part of a traditional Indian family I did what would be considered the ‘correct’ way of dealing with our issues and went to my in laws to tell them that we are having problems in our marriage.
I wanted their support – this is their son and I am now their daughter so surely, they would want to help to make things right… when I told them what their son had been up to, they would not believe me. They never once discussed the issues with us together, instead they would talk to him separately then when he gets home to me he would flip his shit at me… so I guess that didn’t work out either. What options were left?
He doesn’t want to get involved with counselling to help the marriage, he didn’t want to listen and make changes, he wanted to be aggressive, ignore me, and bully me into being a wife who does as she’s told and to top it all off, his parents or family were not willing to give the support we needed to make things right either. So, I made the decision to leave after feeling I had done everything possible to try and improve the marriage.
Wanting to leave was obviously a major issue – imagine the family reputation now? Divorce! This is just unheard of for these Indians. How can I consider giving up on the marriage when they have given me everything… how dare I have a voice and stand up to the fact that my husband wants me to agree to a remortgage to pay off a debt I have no idea has been accumulated…? I was officially, a bitch!
This is the frustrating thing in traditional Indian culture… regardless of him smoking drugs, getting into debt, not acknowledging his wife and living pretty much a lads life with a wife who basically replaces the mothers role… I was the bad guy!
They justified me wanting to leave with the following:
- I only married him so I could move to London… ermmm I didn’t want to fucking live there!
- I was there for the money… What money? He’s in fucking debt!!
- I must’ve been there for all the gold they gave… ermmm they kept it hidden in the parents’ home and I fucking hate gold so err neh!
- I must’ve had another man waiting for me so that’s why I left him… really?!
- My mom stuck up for me for wanting to leave… therefore I only left because my parents made me… WOW! A mother standing up for her daughter after seeing her being treated badly is terrible?
They acknowledged his wrongs by saying… that’s just boys, he’s done it for so long now he’s never going to change. I was just supposed to accept this, and it shouldn’t be the reason I want to leave.
Ha.. I guess this just made it so much easier to realise, this isn’t where I want to be. Can you imagine the rest of my life? So after his final shove at the stairs I left…
Laytaz motha fucka!